I was very content at work developing solutions at my day job of 18 years and teaching self-defense for eight years but there was the disturbing and lingering issue of being in the wrong body which has loomed over me for fifty plus years. Every week day after work would come home from work immediately remove my male clothing and change into female clothing which also entailed tucking my male parts and using breast forms to complete everything which unfortunately was temporary till the next morning when it was back to male mode. Weekends were pretty much the same as I taught many weekends so no luck for most weekends to be in female mode.
I so envy females which I viewed as beautiful creatures and knew deep down that I would still viewed females the same way if only I could transform via hormones and surgery. So with the above in mind it was becoming extremely difficult to live life as I had been and needed to make changes.
For me I was not going to flip a switch by tossing out the male life I have been leading and from here dress and act female, this would not work, people do not take change this way especially when most had known me as a self-defense instructor ranging from everyday friends and co-workers to military and police. Heck I was told many times (and if push comes to shove can back this up) that people thought I was some type of federal agent.
Back in 2003 I was employed by a local specialized security team for a political event for three days. During this time I stopped a bad situation before it happened. After the situation was circumvented the person i detained asked what agency I worked for. I laugh now looking back, me in an extremely expensive suit which was custom made to carry a firearm on my waist (the belt loops were to small for me special belt), both front pockets were done to allow various things to be carried in them by using stronger materials and pockets within pockets. Yeah I wore dark glasses and used a device like you see in the movies to communicate to others working the event. Just wearing a suit does not give the air of “agent” but one’s demeanor is everything, not cocky as this does one no good but something inside of yourself does this along with experience of doing this many times. In everyday life that followed me, the persona of “agent”.
Many people in my situation (male to female, female to make) will believe that their other side shows in public so we will over compensate by going to extremes to portray the gender people see us. In 2001 my wife left me, reasons had nothing to do with my female entity but other things. I made the decision to date and did I date. How many woman I dated, heck I lost count. Every single woman I dated (and this is important to understand) was because I envied them as females but not for several years later realized this.
One woman in particular comes to mind, after a few weeks together she said something to the tune of “we have met before in another life and you were the female and I was the male”. On our very first date (going back to my agent thing) she told me later is was cool seeing me take off all my weapons before going into a bar as my rule of thumb is not to go into bars with firearms when I might drink a lot and could become a problem if something bad happens.
On a date with another woman about a year later I was sitting in a public park in Portland Oregon when a group of wannabes started some shit and got in my face saying inappropriate things to my date. Long story short I dropped one unconscious which caused the other two to scampered away leaving their friend there.
Back to two years ago, more than one night while going to sleep I kept thinking that I can not go on like this and needed to make changes. I was relentless with my research followed by enlisting a therapist to validate what I knew to be true. This therapist had gone from female to male many years ago so they knew better than others what I was going through. He also interviewed me for a up coming book he was writing and was placed into the book which came out two months ago.
I was fortunate to enlist a doctor to administer hormones. She is a male to female. She said that I had many physical female traits but made a very bad choice for a wig (at that time I had very short hair). Six months ago on a physical checkup she said “I can see difference in you which are indeed from the hormones”. I am still using me regular doctor who said he is not willing to work with my female side until after surgery which I totally agree with him. He said after surgery he would work with me but use a female associate doctor in the same office. I have to say we have a good patient doctor relationship and he is very supportive of me in the direction I am taking.
I have two dentist, one for normal things while the other for periodontal disease. Both are supportive of my decision.
My hair stylist just took over the shop in the past year, first time there I was in mixed mode and told her what I was doing and said next time I would be in as a female. Next time I am wearing a skirt, tights and ankle boots. As I am walking up to the door she is staring at me with a smile. She said “we just got a new computer system for checking in customers”, could you please sign in with your female name. I was getting my hair trimmed and all the while we chatted about my journey and spied one of the other employees staring at me. After a few minutes she came over and said something like “I can’t believe the changes you made and took me 10 minutes to recognize you”. I thought, now that is a compliment as she informed me there was no doubt in her mind I was female but the face resembled me as she knew me for many years.
In the past say eight months I believe that the majority of people I come in contact with see me as female while in the few months prior I know there were some who were not sure. It goes back to who I presented myself prior when people saw me as some badass or agent. It is how one carries themselves which I can not say enough about other than I must be doing it right and know also that I have much to learn which includes continually working on my female voice.
On Christmas day I was configuring my new laptop when my mother called, I picked up the phone and said “Hello” (did not look at caller ID), she said nothing then said, i Kevin there? Thought quickly after realizing my voice was female and changed to male mode followed by changing the subject when she said it did not sound like me. So I have fooled my mother and learned that I really need to look at caller ID from now on.
My best friend evaluates my voice each and every time we chat on the phone which really helps me out as talking as a female on the phone take more work for me for some reason. She tells me 95% of the time she hears a female while there are a few times I lower my voice a tad.
Well enough for now, more to follow.