For so many years I traveled through life portraying something I was not, was good at it but was never right. I recently read True selves which goes over why I did this which was to over compensate in the event people would take me as feminine, not a real man even though this was not what I wanted as society would not understand. Any ways for the past year I have been living as a woman but not until the past few month and very comfortable as a female but lacked the ‘fit like a glove’ feeling. I am now more aligned with feeling more natural without even thinking about it. Just yesterday I thought to myself while walking through a store in the mall how I presented myself and when self evaluating myself afterwards could point out many female traits which all were subtle which when they are all added up make a big difference not only to how others see me but how I feel about myself.
When the opportunity presents itself men open doors for me, let me step into the elevator first and call me ma’am. Every time I go to the local Jack-in-the-box the manager always seem to hand me my meal, got this feeling he likes me which is a good feeling even though I am not into men but is another validation I am walking through the right door.
What prompted me to write this entry was finding a lovely setup for my living room wall and know full well I would not had done this 12 months ago.
Hi Karen,
I really like your arrangement and photo. Reminds me of a tatami room: simple yet beautiful, every leaf in place. You need a small tatami matt on the floor for a tea ceremony!
I do feel the same as you do about needing to live a role that was never right for me. I felt out of place in the world, especially among men, where I often worried that they could see right through my facade.
I don’t know if I need to become a transwoman like you to feel okay about myself. Just coming out to my wife and my therapist in the past few months has been transformative. But ask me at the end of 2015! I’m sure I will have had a few adventures by then but nothing in comparison to yours.
Emma
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We both know how it can be uncomfortable. I embraced it from 2000 to 2013 by getting up close and personal teaching close quarter combat but at the same time felt so wrong going into the men’s restroom, never have gotten over that.
I think the decision to become a transwoman is only something (and you already know this) only you can decided on. I knew one male transgender who was very comfortable dressing until his wife said it’s you doing this and me leaving you or you stop it. He truly loved his wife and stopped. Most trans* people I know will never transition as they are perfectly happy as is. Out of say 20 trans* people I have met only two transitioned if that says anything.
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Although it wasn’t an explicit threat my wife has twice threatened to end our relationship if I continued crossdresing. The first time we talked about it was ~20 years ago before we were married, the second time ~10 years ago. Each time I agreed to stop and meant it. I was too afraid and sad about losing her. But I have been seriously depressed all these years, assumed that I could bury my trans needs, and my depression and anxiety were from something else. This was wrong. It seems obvious now in hindsight. Now that I have again come out to my wife I’m much less anxious and depressed. Pretty happy, actually.
My point is that I don’t see how one can realistically suppress themselves, even to keep their marriage, and be happy. We only have this one life. But maybe that’s just my experience.
Emma
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I have dated many woman between 2001 and 2007 and lost all of them because of my need to be a woman yet a handful are still my friend. Guess what I am getting at is walking in these shoes it is rare one can stay married happily and still be completely trans* which is a rare thing.
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I really love your photos here. I imagine that if I saw myself this pretty I would want to stay that way all the time. I’ve thought about visiting Emerald Fantasy in Seatlle, who offer a similar service, just to try it out. Maybe I will this year.
A question on your comment about staying married when “completely trans.” I’m not sure what that is. If you’re meaning HRT and eventual SRS then I would certainly agree that remaining married is unlikely. Also if one wants to live as a woman, such as RLE, then here again I imagine that most wives would not want to stay.
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I was thinking that trans* in any form would jeopardize a marriage which was built on the idea of two sexes rather than two the same sex or one portraying in one form or another the same sex as the spouse. For many including myself trans* wins/won out
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