Monthly Archives: March 2015

Haunting thoughts

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Family, Life, My journey, Thoughts

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This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.

Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.

Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate “what if” there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.

In the photo below taken in 2010, my sister in the back, my daughter and her daughter. All three were extremely close.

Suzy_Katrina_Natlie

Viewing this picture brought tears to me eyes.

After surgery cost

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery

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sanitary-pad-human-trafficking-1 Somethings that you may not consider when having gender reassignment surgery is the after cost. Personally I can afford (others may not) the various types of feminine pads, ultra-light thin Always, Always dailies and let’s not forget Tampax. Other items such as douche (limited usage but good to have and have only used it two times since surgery) and vaginal moisturizer. Then let’s not forget about lubrication for dilation.

Right after surgery I was going through two four oz. of KY then tampered down to one container then went back up again as I would use the mid-size dilator to prime for the larger one. Now I am down to less than one 4 oz. tub per day. Four ounces of KY averages around five dollars but have also seen it for much more. Get the generic as I do and pay less than half the price of the genuine product.

For pads you will need a lot in the beginning but as time goes by rather than six a day it gets down to one or two a day. Tampax are good for eight hours and with that said would not use them when going to bed at night if you sleep eight hours or more. A cisgender female may chime in with their thoughts on some of the usage yet a cisgender female will be different than a person transitioning from male to female. The cost of pads is not that bad but I suggest looking for deals. I found a deal on Always, get 108 pads for the price of 50 pads so I purchased two of them as I know full well they will be used. Do not bother with maxi-pads, at least for me I purchased a box for after surgery along with a mid-size pad, never touched the maxi-pads, instead gave them away to one of the hotel employees who would stop in and visit me at night when things slowed down.

Another thing, get panties that have a wide gusset as this is more comfortable than a narrow gusset. My friend got me some thongs and just this week tried them out. They do make pads for thongs so you can go with them after a month or so after surgery but not before.

Anyways thought this topic needed to be written about so others taking this journey realize there is a good deal of cost after surgery that you may not have considered.

Breast implants

22 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in My journey, preparation, Thoughts

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44 Two days ago I consulted with a surgeon for getting breast implants. Originally the appointment was scheduled for May but they had me on a cancellation list so I got moved up. When making the appointment several weeks ago they gave me new patient forms which in the area for prior surgeries I listed GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) which comes up next.

Gwen, an assistant leads me back to an examination room and said the doctor would be back shortly. Five minutes later they both come in, do an introduction and then begin chatting about what I wanted. I said my wish is to have breast suitable for my body frame and said I had GRS on 1/27/2015. Well both turn and look at me, dropped their jaws and said NO in disbelief. Without missing a beat I said “Thank you” as this is just another validation for me.

He took measurements then discussed several materials, shapes and sizes along with explaining in detail why one would be best for me. The entire discussion was longer than I thought, over thirty minutes.

I was given a price of just under $8000 for the procedure and said, when? I settled on May 21 which is the weekend of Memorial day so that will give me time to heal a bit before going back to work the following Wednesday as Monday is a holiday and Tuesday I work from home.

Very excited that in two months I will have my own breast!!!

I could had simply been happy with GRS but this is feeling like the right thing to do.

Lots going on and thoughts

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery

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life-is Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for lubrication, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

Also I have dedicated myself to helping in anyway possible others taking this journey. I was honored today by a person (Veronica) on a trans web site with the following in her blog. I take these matter seriously, supporting and assisting others must be done with “kid gloves” as this can affect a person in a positive or negative way. On the flip-side I also learn from the members on that web site.

There was this “transperson” named Karen. I read her blog. She was getting ready to take the ultimate leap of faith. And she shared that with us. Fabulous!  Now that trans person is gone. I shed no tear. Where did Karen go? Oh, she’s still here. The only Karen I know now is a woman who cares, shares, and has courage and conviction and does things to make the world better for everyone, not just a certain “community”. So there ya go. At some point you have to go from “transition” to transit. Karen is a woman who while still pulling stitches goes and teaches open hand self defense classes. That’s the woman I know, not the “transperson” I know.

One of my favorite sayings from teaching is “Always a student, sometimes a teacher”

Now wait a second, this entry was going to be on HRT but seems I went off the rails a tad bit. That’s just fine with me, have things to say and this is an excellent place to shout out to the world in hopes that someone will read this and in some small way motivate someone or give clarity from my entries, after all I have said it before and now again, these entries are not for me but for those who are on the same path as me.

Adventures at a gun show

15 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Thoughts

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For those who don’t personally know me for years I have been a firearm and tactical empty hand and edge weapons instructor. Teaching a lot you and are good at it acquire many students and friends. I also was involved in executive protection also.  Beings I was certified as a armed security I donated time at gun shows. I stopped doing security at gun shows and for that matter stopped attending them.

This morning I got the urge to hit a weekend gun show. Went in and passed by several people I knew in my former life. Not one of them recognized me as a female. I even walked by one two or three time, stopped and made a comment on a handgun to the dealer. Thought he would had recognized me but no. Then I turned, poked him, he stared and said “is that you”, I said yes and was speechless. Had a short conversation, he wished me the best and went on our way.

This is not the first time I have walked by people I have known for years and not seen them for a while and did not get recognized. Most of the time I say nothing and go on my way.

I guess when one goes this distance you should expect people not to recognize you.

BTW I don’t attend gun shows to purchase firearms, already have plenty. It’s just fun.

Milestone for dilation

15 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Persistence, Post surgery

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It has been forty-five days since my surgery, forty-days since first dilating and I am finally comfortable with the larger of the three dilation tools.

In short, the dilation process three times a day since first starting has been painful when moving from the middle size tool to the larger size tool. At first I could only handle five minutes out of fifteen-minutes. So I would do ten minutes with the middle size then five with the larger. I then progressed to five minutes with the middle size and ten with the larger size. For about three weeks of doing this most was painful until today. This morning I did the usual, mid-size for five minutes then ten for the larger. For my mid-day dilation I decided to go solely with the larger one and was actually comfortable. Just finished my last dilation of the day and it was comfortable too.

About mid-way in the process I chatted with Marci Brower and she said I must push passed the pain which I did and so happy I have reached the point to using only the larger dilation tool.

One more month at three times a day then for six months two times a day then thereafter one time a day. I will be so happy when reaching the point of one time a day~

Tattoo with meaning

08 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey

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I decided a long time ago not to get anymore tattoos but then made the decision to get one last tattoo to celebrate my new life. All my tattoos are hidden for the most part except in the summer time when I wear less on top which show my shoulder tattoo.

For celebrating my new life the tattoo needs to be visible, a constant reminder of starting over. So I elected to get one on the inside of my left wrist as I am left handed and would be able to look down and have good thoughts. I visited the tattoo shop today but they were super busy, lots of large artwork being done. This means tomorrow afternoon I am getting the tattoo.

FlowerTat

I would like to add that each and everyone of my tattoos have meaning, some can be expressed verbally while others I keep to myself.

Update: Tattoo done today along with a touch up for stars on the back of my neck.

Better dilation

04 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Post surgery

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For those who have not read about dilation, after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) one must use a tool similar to a dildo but unlike a dildo these tools are ridged plastic, came in either a set of three or four. One starts off with the small for a week them progress to the mid-size tool them after two weeks to the larger of the three.

Moving from small to mid-size is level 3 for me were the scale is 1 to 10 were 10 is very painful. When I went to the larger size I was at level 5. Now before going any farther, for the average person, add three to the latter numbers, yes it is painful for most. Personally I struggle with the larger tool for 15 minutes and the pain level escalated, the entire time it was inside of me was almost unthinkable. To ease the pain I used the mid-size dilator for five minutes then ten minutes with the larger one for a week.

This week, just over four weeks after surgery I am finally comfortable with the larger dilator. With the smaller ones I slide right in while with the larger one I must work on getting it inside of me. I will get it in about three inches (all the way in is six inches), leave it there for about thirty seconds then pull out, slab some more lube on then all the way in.

Once inside of my I rotate the tool side to side very slowly for two or three minutes as this stretches things to the point of zero pain.

Now to do the above I would use two king size pillows folded in half and placed under my knees and two pillows under my head and back. Beneath my button an expensive butt donut which many used for sitting a long time with pain.

Getting things prepared and clean-up is a chore and went looking for a better way. I stumbled on the Liberator, see image below. The liberator was designed for making love making in short better and more comfortable. What I saw was something that would allow me to dilate comfortably with easy setup and cleanup.

So it came today, UPS delivered a small box which when first glanced at it was not sure what the heck this was, surely it can not be the Liberator. Well it was very heavy when picking it up. Opened the box and there were two things encased in zipper bags. Instructions on top said open the bags and take the contents out. Well I was shocked as they exploded to what you see below. At the end of the instructions they said the Liberator is shrink down 90 percent of it’s size for shipping reasons.   

Liberator

Of course I needed to try it out and got what I paid for. How could I not had found this before, so wonderful, perfect positioning and extremely comfortable. Downside, the price tag is 200 dollars but I see it as cheap as I need to dilate everyday, three times a day for three months, two times a day for nine months then after that once a day thereafter so it is indeed a good investment.

Enjoying the ride

02 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery, Thoughts

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So as my therapist and I discussed right before my surgery that surgery was indeed, in essence a small step in my journey. I went to California like I was taking just a normal trip to another state for a vacation yet in reality many on this journey would be doing back flips after a long and arduous path to cumulate with new body parts that were missing since birth. I look back to being wheeled into the operating room, bright light, lots of people there for my operations and I was numb to it all. When I woke up in the operating room the only thing that bothered me was the strong feeling I needed to urinate and not once thought about that my penis was gone forever replaced with a vagina.

When it hit I now had a vagina and everything had changed I still didn’t do back flips but instead as the days went from day to night was very grateful that the days were gone for good that my penis was gone.

What people need to understand is, for me although this was life altering but for many this is not how others handle such a life altering event.

Part of the ground work for me moving forward is continuing with therapy, think every two or three months to keep things in check. Many studies conclude that months or years after transitioning have a high rate for suicide which I am not one of them but know full well that no matter how strong I am that it is important to have a therapist to touch bases with as they can see things I can not.

Today is just over four weeks since surgery and totally enjoying being female and see nothing that will change that. The main thing that concerns me now is getting use to the largest dilator and getting back to work.

So happy I made the decision to move forward even though it would had been nice to have done this decades ago at least now it is done woohoo.