Monthly Archives: April 2015

My new norm

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Post surgery

≈ Leave a comment

It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood.

Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too.

Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day.

Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT.

What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit.

One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.

Voice blunder

19 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey

≈ Leave a comment

The following is from the past, something jogged my brain so here we go.

Voice

I stopped playing guitar for many years then a Guitar Center opened close by. Ended up purchasing a fair amount of guitars and equipment and became a regular in the store but stopped after about six months as I had everything I needed for my home studio.

One day I want in for a checkup for intonation on one of my guitars, and this is prior to going fulltime so I did my best to dress with no female clothing, walked into the store and was greeted by an employee who had helped me before. Can I help you ma’am? I was rather setback as I figured here I am in male clothing and being made as a female and not being recognized so I went with the flow. Was handed off to the guitar tech who was a replacement for the last one I had work on my guitars and when he was done handed him my credit card saying this was my husband’s card, no problem. Walked out of the store and it hit me like a brick wall, I was so into using my female voice that I forgot to go back to my male voice which is why they treated me as female. The year before I did not even have a passable female voice but had worked hard to achieve one that in the store I completely forgot there was one still.

On a side note I had a iPhone pitch application that was not intended for voice practicing but got the idea when researching how to get a female voice. The video said to work on a C# pitch yet could not hold it all day so I settled for just below a C# which only on rare occasions do I lose it which tends to be when I am tired and must think about it. It may sound strange but I will do meows out loud which nobody has ever really said anything to me about it.

I was so wrong

14 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Acceptance, Life, My journey

≈ Leave a comment

The weeks following me back at work after surgery it appeared that only a few people seemed to distance themselves from me and know full well this might happen so no big deal.

One person, use to chat with me from time to time. When I returned to work they said hardly two words to me, thought she would not have acted this way but as mentioned before knew some would not take to me in my new identity.

Well today I was walking into work, she walks out and says “do you mind if I ask you a question?” Sure (now waiting for something like ‘why did you do this’) and she said, where do you purchase your outfits? I was not ready for that and said, Macy’s and Victoria’s Secrets. Then I told her that most local stores do not sell jeans and leggings in a 32 inch inseam. She then says “I hear you”, well she has the same problem as she is my height. She also complimented me on my outfits, said I picked cute outfits and said I looked really good. She also said (and I love this), someone told her that they thought I was 30 years old, that instantly got a smile on my face.

We chatted for a while and at one point said she thought I had a great deal of courage (in a good way) to do what I did.

They entire time she just smiled out me so I then knew she had nothing against my transition.

I told her about my surgery and that next month I am slated to have breast argumentation done and that I did not want large breast. She opens her jacket and said (she has very small breast but perfect in my opinion) I could use slightly larger ones and we both giggled.

I said it before and I will say it again, after transitioning talking with other females is completely different in the topics that come up along with how comfortable they are with me as a female.

So one more in my corner, since it happened in the early morning I can say it made my entire day~

Self-defense training

11 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Teaching

≈ Leave a comment

Several of the things I am certified to teach require recertification like tactical batons its every three years, firearms every year, hand-to-hand combat and edge weapons every year.

The Hand-to-hand and edge weapons lapsed last year because of my transition. I informed the Grand Master about this about six months ago and was very supportive of my transition and said make sure you come to training (which was today). He lives in Florida and does certifications at various locations around the world. In the past when first starting out I would attend a grueling six day instructor course in Florida and also Washington State. For five and a half days we would learn new methods and techniques for teaching students rather than us learning completely new techniques. The last day as just mentioned was grueling in that you had to test in a realistic environment which usually each person taking the test was rather battered up.

Even though today was a one day class I expected no less in regards to the test but was told I did not need to take the test as I have proven my abilities and was handed not a one year recertification but a three year certification.

When I arrived at the school one of the people who helps runs the school greeted me and told me his name then asked mine. Since nobody else was in listening range I told him I was male until recently and that my name is Karen Payne. The significances is he knew me as Kevin Gallagher. It took him a few seconds of him staring at me and then realized who I was before. We chatted then other students came in so we stopped.

At the end of class the instructor said, in your photo on Facebook your eyes look extremely happy and no different in person. He had shown my photo to an assistant instructor in Florida whom I met once back I 2010 and said “she looks great doesn’t she”. Seems she must had as she made a friend request today.

During the class I interacted with pretty much all the students at one point on another and nobody acted oddly to me and at the same time had no clue I was once a male.

All was not peaches and crème, I realized that when people talked about family I needed to be short on that discussion as I was not going to say something like “my wife and I…”, that would give things away and was not wanting that so during some breaks I kept quite.

Overall it was an excellent day working with other instructors who do this for six days a week and kept up with them.

Bram_eugene

Can I motivate you?

05 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by in GRS, Helping others

≈ Leave a comment

I think about those who want to transition in regards to gender, for many it is a long and arduous journey while others it’s long but a rather smooth ride. Foremost is how one is economically wise, attitude of the community they reside in and truth in real friends and family members who are supportive to this journey.

Many argue that their financial status prohibits transitioning in a positive manner because of community, friends and family. They may think they are being held down and can’t move forward because of these barriers. For some that is oh so true but for others I think it’s lack of motivation (and not meant to be condescending here). Now how can I speak this way? Well I started my work career as a low level laborer who worked five days a week then on weekends blow my paycheck on woman, alcohol and drugs for about three years until I realized this was not wise and did not want to continue down this path as I could never transition or have a decent life. Rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself I picked myself up and learned a trade which provided a decent income. Marriage got in the way of transitioning as I simply wanted to deny my inner true self. Then another spark was lit and I went into the unknown of computer programming twenty five years ago, divorced and leading a decent life other than I was still a female trapped in a male body. Three years ago I began a journey that two months ago allowed me to pay out of pocket for my GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery). So I feel I can say, get motivated and move forward if that is the path you need to travel.

With what I have learned gives me pause to think about how can I help others? My first step is to volunteer to meet with those going down the same path. Yesterday I made a commitment to myself in that if there is anyone who is going for GRS and has nobody there to support them I will offer coming to them for support for the first several days (including surgery date) or for the first few days they are out of the hospital to help them with whatever they need.  I will pay my own way in regards to airfare and hotel. I could careless if you are 20 years old or 70 years old, I will help.

So if you are out there and are in need of this support email me a paynekaren @ Comcast.net

GreatThings

Advice for coming out

04 Saturday Apr 2015

Posted by in Life, preparation

≈ Leave a comment

I used the following to reply to a post on a transgender forum and think it deserves merit to be posted here.

I believe that there are wrong and right ways to come out to people. First you need to prepare yourself by doing research on the web, not from one or a handful of pages but a lot or cut to the chase and purchase a copy of True Selves which provides insight into how to best present yourself to others.

Comingout Personally I did my homework as per above, solidified knowledge into my brain that included how to present myself to friends, family and co-workers. This was followed up with individual twist to whom I told. My first hard and fast rule was to include ‘I am still the same person inside’ was spoken at the end of my speech. For some I figured it was best to give a brief explanation leaving the person whom I just told to ask questions rather than me supplying answers which may not be interpreted well from me telling them pieces of information. Bottom line is be prepared, try and pick a time when the person you are coming out too is in a calm mood and not tired, this will make things easier overall.

Will you lose people from your life? There are many factors that will decide the outcome. Out of roughly close to 200 people I came out to I lose three people. Several told me they were against transgender before I came out and that the way I came out made all the difference. Two of them I told via email and both asked to meet with me the same week to better understand what was going on and afterwards they have remained friends. Granted some may simply be putting on a front but if so, it’s a good front. I will admit from reading stories of others coming out losing friends, family and co-workers and that is too be expected but should not be the norm. Perhaps a percentage of them came out using bad wording or wrong timing, I don’t know. If you do it right and still lose people they were never your friends in the first place if they don’t support you here. Of course there are some areas that will never give you approval as it’s locked into how a community thinks and behaves.

Just know if you are prepared it may still be a rocky road but when done right will get easier and easier. For me if I look back to my first disclosure it was scary then as the months went by and the year closed out I am still finding people to tell but it is so much easier than when the first time or the fiftieth time.