This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.
Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.
Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate “what if” there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.
In the photo below taken in 2010, my sister in the back, my daughter and her daughter. All three were extremely close.
Viewing this picture brought tears to me eyes.