Category Archives: Post surgery

Loaned out

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in Life, Persistence, Post surgery, Thoughts

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I work for a state agency for the past twenty years and recently another agency close by asked my manager if they could borrow me for a week. The request was urgent so after my manager received I was on my way to the other agency. When I arrived the CEO, a former employee of my agency greeted me, thanked me for coming right over. Within an hour I was assisting them with the problem that brought me in for and finished the day out.

Day two, in the afternoon the woman who greeted me the first day brought a manager over to meet me. This other manager had also worked at my agency and unlike the CEO who knew me in my male identity did not know of my transition. So in the introduction the manager asked how long I had been working at my agency. In return I said twenty years, mostly in one division. The manager in turn said she had worked in this division at the same time and does not remember me.

So she ask me question after question trying to remember me but can’t. The entire time I am waiting for her to say something like “Hey you were a male before” or something like that. I could see she is not going to give up and now know she is not going to put two and two together.  The image below is before (me on the left teaching) and after.

Both

So I finally said “wait a minute”, grab some paper, write my former name down and hand it to her. She looks at the name, looks up, looks down and then finally looks up and says WOW I would not had guessed. She puts the paper down and hugs me. We chat for a few minutes and then she was off to a meeting.

Two days later and several days after that we talk more but never once bring up my past again and treated me like a friend/co-worker.

So with that there is something to be said about those either starting in some place into a journey of transitioning that it gets better as time goes by. What I mean by it gets better is (for those who are cisgender) when a person either male or female begins thinking of transitioning are usually very fearful of a) being discovered b) thinking they will never be accepted by friends, family and co-workers. Sure the ugly truth is there are backwards thinking people who will never accept a transgender person but the majority will. More times than not the rejection comes from the person transitioning by words, actions and attire which causes cisgender people to feel uncomfortable with them.

It’s easy for me to say “I have been there done that” and say nothing else but the truth is, I was frighten to step out my front door in fear of being made but learned from others before me that it does not have to be that way. Also, when I told my neighbors about transitioning two of them said, “what took you so long?” I responded with “What do you mean”, they said yeah we have seen you sneaking out dressed and thought that I should had just came out then.

I said I was fearful of doing this especially before obtaining a letter to allow me to have surgery. Wish I knew that then but I am now telling other transgender people the truth, you may believe you are sneaking out but there are always eyes watching.

Take it from someone who has been there, like with the manager I mentioned above and she was not the first this happened with me, at least 10 people in my past could not recognize me. Hormones and confidence in oneself goes a long way to blending in as the gender you were suppose to be.

You can really prepared for this

14 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by in GRS, Life, My journey, Post surgery, Sex

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So it has been 14 months since my gender reassignment surgery were over the past month or so something has been happening that my surgeon Marci Bowers warned me about which is as follows.

You may have times when the simple action of rubbing your private parts against clothing may cause arousal. Well when it first started in the past month it was not that bad and kind of nice, just walking along and things began to get aroused to a point but then got to the point I would have to stop walking else possibly cause a scene for having a full blown orgasm.

Now it’s been crazy over the past two weeks where I will be sitting at work and get to the point I can’t function as I once did because I am dealing with O’s and thinking of what I am doing which really both of these things conflict with each other.

Last Saturday night I attended an event at a Swinger’s club were the club is about both socializing and sex and got asked by several men about my O’s and said in some many words what I liked. I was asked if I was interested in having sex that night and said no, I am simply getting to know the place and people. And oh, by the way I have been experiencing orgasms sitting here talking to you. Two of the men at my table said, well that’s impressive as most woman your age have difficulties in bed having orgasms let alone having when while sitting down and moving their hips.

With that said, while writing the above I had to get up and re-position myself because of the sensations going on down there.

For anyone reading this who is going down the road of having genital reassignment surgery be aware this may very well happen to you too. Best to be forewarned then having this happen to you without prior notice it can happen.

For now I have to deal with this but sure hope things will settle down over time.

My new norm

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Post surgery

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It has been three months since surgery and my life is at a place I believe is my new/current norm. I have accepted that “it’s a man’s world” and that I have been accepted into the sisterhood.

Things I can laugh or smile about in regards to the last three months. Only went to tuck my penis once (eek, where did it go, oh I remember now ~grin~), have embraced men opening the door for me. Other females treating me as if I have always been a female. My daughter called me this afternoon, I was very busy at work and said I would call back. When I called back she said my voice sounded different but not much. I then realized I was doing a B flat rather than a C# as I had a momentary lapse in voice control which I see needs attention. I had to ask, “did I sound female when you called?”, she said yes but it was a tad different then in the past. That made me smile as I was in at least partial control. I have said it many times, one must be vigilant with their female voice. So this is the second time, first time was reverse, my mother called and I went into my female voice and she had no clue who she was talking too.

Something to cheer about, dilation is second nature in that the dilator goes in with one-third the lube it took one month ago and can penetrate fully in ten seconds where it use to be one minute to fully insert and another four minutes to be comfortable with the dilation tool inside of me. Dilation sessions are there times a day still for 15 minutes but there are times I go for thirty minutes. In two weeks I am down to twice a day.

Since going full time I have not worn perfume but now enjoy it every day which is not from, “I am ready and fearless” but instead it stems from the changes to my mind and body from the longevity of HRT.

What I find interesting and at the same time not interesting is my calm about breast implants in a couple of weeks. What I mean is, GRS to me was like going to the grocery store, no big deal and feel the same way about breast implants but who is being the fool here, I do think about this summer and finally able to wear a plunging neckline top and of course a bathing suit.

One last thought, the memory of my surgery is quickly leaving my brain with no real memories unless I happen to look at one of the pictures taken in the hospital, was that me, oh my.

After surgery cost

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery

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sanitary-pad-human-trafficking-1 Somethings that you may not consider when having gender reassignment surgery is the after cost. Personally I can afford (others may not) the various types of feminine pads, ultra-light thin Always, Always dailies and let’s not forget Tampax. Other items such as douche (limited usage but good to have and have only used it two times since surgery) and vaginal moisturizer. Then let’s not forget about lubrication for dilation.

Right after surgery I was going through two four oz. of KY then tampered down to one container then went back up again as I would use the mid-size dilator to prime for the larger one. Now I am down to less than one 4 oz. tub per day. Four ounces of KY averages around five dollars but have also seen it for much more. Get the generic as I do and pay less than half the price of the genuine product.

For pads you will need a lot in the beginning but as time goes by rather than six a day it gets down to one or two a day. Tampax are good for eight hours and with that said would not use them when going to bed at night if you sleep eight hours or more. A cisgender female may chime in with their thoughts on some of the usage yet a cisgender female will be different than a person transitioning from male to female. The cost of pads is not that bad but I suggest looking for deals. I found a deal on Always, get 108 pads for the price of 50 pads so I purchased two of them as I know full well they will be used. Do not bother with maxi-pads, at least for me I purchased a box for after surgery along with a mid-size pad, never touched the maxi-pads, instead gave them away to one of the hotel employees who would stop in and visit me at night when things slowed down.

Another thing, get panties that have a wide gusset as this is more comfortable than a narrow gusset. My friend got me some thongs and just this week tried them out. They do make pads for thongs so you can go with them after a month or so after surgery but not before.

Anyways thought this topic needed to be written about so others taking this journey realize there is a good deal of cost after surgery that you may not have considered.

Lots going on and thoughts

18 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery

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life-is Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore.

Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for lubrication, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs.

Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life.

Also I have dedicated myself to helping in anyway possible others taking this journey. I was honored today by a person (Veronica) on a trans web site with the following in her blog. I take these matter seriously, supporting and assisting others must be done with “kid gloves” as this can affect a person in a positive or negative way. On the flip-side I also learn from the members on that web site.

There was this “transperson” named Karen. I read her blog. She was getting ready to take the ultimate leap of faith. And she shared that with us. Fabulous!  Now that trans person is gone. I shed no tear. Where did Karen go? Oh, she’s still here. The only Karen I know now is a woman who cares, shares, and has courage and conviction and does things to make the world better for everyone, not just a certain “community”. So there ya go. At some point you have to go from “transition” to transit. Karen is a woman who while still pulling stitches goes and teaches open hand self defense classes. That’s the woman I know, not the “transperson” I know.

One of my favorite sayings from teaching is “Always a student, sometimes a teacher”

Now wait a second, this entry was going to be on HRT but seems I went off the rails a tad bit. That’s just fine with me, have things to say and this is an excellent place to shout out to the world in hopes that someone will read this and in some small way motivate someone or give clarity from my entries, after all I have said it before and now again, these entries are not for me but for those who are on the same path as me.

Milestone for dilation

15 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Persistence, Post surgery

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It has been forty-five days since my surgery, forty-days since first dilating and I am finally comfortable with the larger of the three dilation tools.

In short, the dilation process three times a day since first starting has been painful when moving from the middle size tool to the larger size tool. At first I could only handle five minutes out of fifteen-minutes. So I would do ten minutes with the middle size then five with the larger. I then progressed to five minutes with the middle size and ten with the larger size. For about three weeks of doing this most was painful until today. This morning I did the usual, mid-size for five minutes then ten for the larger. For my mid-day dilation I decided to go solely with the larger one and was actually comfortable. Just finished my last dilation of the day and it was comfortable too.

About mid-way in the process I chatted with Marci Brower and she said I must push passed the pain which I did and so happy I have reached the point to using only the larger dilation tool.

One more month at three times a day then for six months two times a day then thereafter one time a day. I will be so happy when reaching the point of one time a day~

Better dilation

04 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by in Dilation, My journey, Post surgery

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For those who have not read about dilation, after GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) one must use a tool similar to a dildo but unlike a dildo these tools are ridged plastic, came in either a set of three or four. One starts off with the small for a week them progress to the mid-size tool them after two weeks to the larger of the three.

Moving from small to mid-size is level 3 for me were the scale is 1 to 10 were 10 is very painful. When I went to the larger size I was at level 5. Now before going any farther, for the average person, add three to the latter numbers, yes it is painful for most. Personally I struggle with the larger tool for 15 minutes and the pain level escalated, the entire time it was inside of me was almost unthinkable. To ease the pain I used the mid-size dilator for five minutes then ten minutes with the larger one for a week.

This week, just over four weeks after surgery I am finally comfortable with the larger dilator. With the smaller ones I slide right in while with the larger one I must work on getting it inside of me. I will get it in about three inches (all the way in is six inches), leave it there for about thirty seconds then pull out, slab some more lube on then all the way in.

Once inside of my I rotate the tool side to side very slowly for two or three minutes as this stretches things to the point of zero pain.

Now to do the above I would use two king size pillows folded in half and placed under my knees and two pillows under my head and back. Beneath my button an expensive butt donut which many used for sitting a long time with pain.

Getting things prepared and clean-up is a chore and went looking for a better way. I stumbled on the Liberator, see image below. The liberator was designed for making love making in short better and more comfortable. What I saw was something that would allow me to dilate comfortably with easy setup and cleanup.

So it came today, UPS delivered a small box which when first glanced at it was not sure what the heck this was, surely it can not be the Liberator. Well it was very heavy when picking it up. Opened the box and there were two things encased in zipper bags. Instructions on top said open the bags and take the contents out. Well I was shocked as they exploded to what you see below. At the end of the instructions they said the Liberator is shrink down 90 percent of it’s size for shipping reasons.   

Liberator

Of course I needed to try it out and got what I paid for. How could I not had found this before, so wonderful, perfect positioning and extremely comfortable. Downside, the price tag is 200 dollars but I see it as cheap as I need to dilate everyday, three times a day for three months, two times a day for nine months then after that once a day thereafter so it is indeed a good investment.

Enjoying the ride

02 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery, Thoughts

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So as my therapist and I discussed right before my surgery that surgery was indeed, in essence a small step in my journey. I went to California like I was taking just a normal trip to another state for a vacation yet in reality many on this journey would be doing back flips after a long and arduous path to cumulate with new body parts that were missing since birth. I look back to being wheeled into the operating room, bright light, lots of people there for my operations and I was numb to it all. When I woke up in the operating room the only thing that bothered me was the strong feeling I needed to urinate and not once thought about that my penis was gone forever replaced with a vagina.

When it hit I now had a vagina and everything had changed I still didn’t do back flips but instead as the days went from day to night was very grateful that the days were gone for good that my penis was gone.

What people need to understand is, for me although this was life altering but for many this is not how others handle such a life altering event.

Part of the ground work for me moving forward is continuing with therapy, think every two or three months to keep things in check. Many studies conclude that months or years after transitioning have a high rate for suicide which I am not one of them but know full well that no matter how strong I am that it is important to have a therapist to touch bases with as they can see things I can not.

Today is just over four weeks since surgery and totally enjoying being female and see nothing that will change that. The main thing that concerns me now is getting use to the largest dilator and getting back to work.

So happy I made the decision to move forward even though it would had been nice to have done this decades ago at least now it is done woohoo.

One month since surgery

27 Friday Feb 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery, Thoughts

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So one month ago I had my GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) and reflecting back on the says since then. It has been a wonderful thirty days filled with both ups and downs but there were more up’s then downs.

For the first several weeks I was napped a great deal, once or twice a day. In the past week I may or may not take a nap but when I do it’s about 30 minutes rather than one or two hours which as what happened the first three weeks after surgery.

Over the past few weeks there has been a throbbing pain where my legs meet my torso but as the weeks go by the pain is less and less and expect it to be gone soon.

I am very happy that I moved forward with GRS, it has indeed made me a a much more happier person overall.

The image below is from about four years ago when I made up my mind to move forward with surgery which is what the smile is all about.

Smiles

Experimenting with dildo

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by in Life, My journey, Post surgery, Sex

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The past several nights I’ve let my imagination run wild which lead to experimenting last night with a vibrating dildo which I purchased from a local adult store yesterday. In the past I would purchase toys for my female partner and now the tables have turned, me buying them for myself.

The dildo is just over average size of a male’s penis and the girth also average as I did not want something that would ruin the first time experience. I lubricated the dildo while having my imagination go wild, slide the dildo inside of me very slowly, in and out and have to say it was a very good feeling and my vagina took the whole thing in no problem. After awhile I tried it with the vibrator and each of the three speed and to be frank, did not want to stop and it went on for a while treasuring this new feeling. So now I am looking forward to this real soon again and will be interesting to see how things go over time.