Category Archives: Thoughts

I notice it but not the why

23 Sunday Apr 2017

Posted by in inclusion, Life, My journey, Thoughts

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Before transitioning through surgery I had tendencies towards dressing in sexy clothing but after surgery those tendencies went away. Coupled with that the majority of the time was in my house as I knew I could draw attention from those who would do harm to me for being different.

Now I know that it’s not only myself but just about every cross dresser or transgender I have come in contact with are the same way, they present themselves in sexy clothes, no matter the age be it 16 or 70 years old although I think many over 65 do realize unless they are in a LGBT setting they stand out like a sore thumb. I never feel compelled to warn them of the dangers because most of them only go out to LGBT clubs. The few that do go out to other places tend not to dress sexy but age appropriate.

All I can say is if you are one who dreams about leaving the house in sexy clothing be sure that the clothing is age appropriate and that cisgender females in the area would wear this or similar clothing so not to stick out like a splattered bug on your windshield.

What prompted me to write this entry was after shopping today, saw a dress and my first thought was “would other woman my age wear this?” and I knew they would. I even added a cardigan to compliment the dress. And I don’t wear dresses or skirts very often outside of work and that is the trend in my area.

Thoughts on passing

26 Saturday Nov 2016

Posted by in Acceptance, Life, Thoughts, voice

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I’ve recently joined a closed group on Facebook where the majority of male to female members will post pictures of themselves and ask if they pass physically. Just about every since member who post and ask if they are passable indeed passable.  Having been on this journey would like to offer a small piece of advice which is forget about passing physically and focus on your female voice.

When I or any heterosexual male or female encounters a female without thinking “are they really female” expect a softer voice then a male voice. When the female speaks in the same tone as a male that will make the heterosexual male or female wonder or think “is this really a female”.

My guess is many male to female transgender or cross dressers realize this already but want to stress that this can not only lead to people wonder about you but also may very well cause them to be embarrass and infuriate them to incite a mindset to cause you physical harm.

There is only one method to circumvent this when out in public which is to practice speaking as a cisgender female does. For many it’s not easy, like myself I had to practice, practice, practice. The most difficult part as one gets older is to not only train your voice but also to retrain your brain.

Example, as you close to finish speaking your brain says “now I can relax” and attempts to to back to the male voice if for no other reason that it’s easy while speaking in a female tone is hard work especially keeping a conversation going.

If you can afford to take voice lessons even for a few sessions this will assist in building a proper foundation for what you need to do later to keep up appearances both with your physical looks and sounds that come out of your mouth.

Several times a month I go out with several cross-dressers and transgender groups in my area and I’m the only one, say out of twenty that use a female voice. All of them speak like men and if they didn’t speak the majority would pass one hundred percent as cisgender females. Do they go out in public? Several do yet are known to locals as cross-dressers and never will pass.

For the next part a little history.

I joined a cross-dresser group who are located 40 miles from me back in 2000. At that time I was not even trying to transition in the public and never made it to any of their events which are several times a week. Another group opened in my immediate area and they have one member who belongs to the other group (40 miles away). The decide to meet here in my town in a gay bar, I thought, great, finally get to meet them.

Went to the bar, walk in and there is this thirty something cisgender female with a guy sitting at the bar, she looks at me and says, hi gorgeous, you smell sexy. I said thanks, got my drink and sat down. Five minutes later she come over to my table, sits down next to me and we start chatting. Shortly there after the one cross dresser group walks in, they are all wearing prom dresses (the theme of the evening, not be thou). I wave at them, remember they don’t know me and they stare until I wave them over. I introduced myself and the night was fantastic. Later on the leader said that when I waved and she looked over she thought we were two cisgender females and was dumb founded that I was post-op as my voice passed with no hints of male.

Fast forward to last weekend, the leader of that group was suppose to be down by 8:30 but arrived at 7:30 (I’ve been there since 7). I greeted her and said, thought you would not be here until 8:30? She said, I know you don’t stay late and wanted to talk to you which I thought was cool. Had a great conversation to say the lest. Another member who didn’t know I was trans or post-op was told by another member and was shocked at how well I controlled my voice.

Pause: Although my voice is not a 100 percent it’s fully passable. Even to this say I do warm-up exercises because my brain will still fall back into old habits.

With that I want those who have decided to read this far to know that it’s not easy (some may disagree but they are the minority), one must be committed to not only appearing as a female but make efforts to speak the part too.

Have you heard Autumn? https://autumnasphodel.com/222/transgender-female-voice I feel the same as her in regards to mindset. There are plenty of resources on the web so thre is no excuse not to try.

The power of the mind is incredible

Diversity and inclusion

05 Saturday Nov 2016

Posted by in Acceptance, Diversity, Helping others, inclusion, technology, Thoughts, Woman in tech

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I’ve been invited to speak at an event at Microsoft’s MVP Summit on Sunday on the topic of diversity and inclusion of woman and the LGBT community.

DiversityinWorkplace

Let’s look at the main types:

From my perspective woman are thriving in the field of technology but there are few when it comes to software developers at least in my locale.

I’s nearly impossible to gauge the gay community because most are not flamboyant and are no different in appearance than heterosexual counterparts.

As with the gay community, cross-dressers are invisible too as the nature of a cross-dresser is they are in the closet when they transform into their version of themselves of the opposite gender. Lastly, a cross-dresser may or may not be gay, some cross-dress for pleasure while others to please their partner.

Then there are those who identify as the opposite gender then their born gender. To complete their transformation they are required by law to live in the role of the gender they wise to transition to for one year, 24/7.

Thoughts on how to include the above into the field of technology. For cisgender females

  • Many woman believe technology is a “boy’s club”, same goes for parents of girls. If the woman believes this then they will not identify being in technology. The main place for change is in the home, parents need to encourage their daughters.
  • Discrimination, lack of parental leave especially in a face-pace industry. This needs to change in how management thinks,

Transgender, how do we include them in technology. This is extremely difficult for the heterosexual employees and management to buy into no different than one hundred years ago in discrimination of African Americans, it take time for people to embrace, in this case transgender people into the workforce.

Heterosexuals many times believe the transgender to be a deviant which in some cases may be the case but the majority of those in the transgender community are no different then their heterosexual counter-parts. A transgender had no choice in being transgender, it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain to that of their heterosexual counterpart.

With that said, a transgender may very well given the chance be the best at a chosen profession but they have two things against them (actually more but focusing on these).

  • Presenting in the opposite gender, at many stages will not appear proper for the new identity, examples a female to male no matter how hard they try breast my be visible or a male to female and for both their voice may not fit the new identity.
  • They are not intelligent because after an employer reviews their resume sees they had no employment prior to this application or had low paying jobs which comes from perpetuation of cisgender employers perception of a transgender individual and the transgender community at large.

I have personal insight into the above information as I was born as a male but was from the first time I could rationalize myself with others I was indeed a female with the wrong body.

Having lived as a male to conform with male hormones my brain worked as mostly male and for the most part was forced to act as a cisgender male. After beginning hormones and living as a female I have a unique perspective on how men and woman differ in how they think and see the world. With that in mind my unique perspective allows me to advocate for woman, gay and transgender community. When I see potential in one of them with technology no matter their age will encourage them to consider working in technology.

When I think of inclusion, Microsoft is the first company I think of from interacting with them and they know my background. There are other companies, like Microsoft who embrace a diverse work force yet that is not enough. Myself and others who are thriving in technology need to, when appropriate educate others such as educating parents of female children, employers on gays and transgender (left out cross-dressers because they are in the closet).

UPDATE: 11/07/2016

Last night myself and several other woman spoke about inclusion and diversity. I believe it went extremely well gauging by the attendance.  Have to give a huge thanks to Microsoft.

Loaned out

15 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in Life, Persistence, Post surgery, Thoughts

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I work for a state agency for the past twenty years and recently another agency close by asked my manager if they could borrow me for a week. The request was urgent so after my manager received I was on my way to the other agency. When I arrived the CEO, a former employee of my agency greeted me, thanked me for coming right over. Within an hour I was assisting them with the problem that brought me in for and finished the day out.

Day two, in the afternoon the woman who greeted me the first day brought a manager over to meet me. This other manager had also worked at my agency and unlike the CEO who knew me in my male identity did not know of my transition. So in the introduction the manager asked how long I had been working at my agency. In return I said twenty years, mostly in one division. The manager in turn said she had worked in this division at the same time and does not remember me.

So she ask me question after question trying to remember me but can’t. The entire time I am waiting for her to say something like “Hey you were a male before” or something like that. I could see she is not going to give up and now know she is not going to put two and two together.  The image below is before (me on the left teaching) and after.

Both

So I finally said “wait a minute”, grab some paper, write my former name down and hand it to her. She looks at the name, looks up, looks down and then finally looks up and says WOW I would not had guessed. She puts the paper down and hugs me. We chat for a few minutes and then she was off to a meeting.

Two days later and several days after that we talk more but never once bring up my past again and treated me like a friend/co-worker.

So with that there is something to be said about those either starting in some place into a journey of transitioning that it gets better as time goes by. What I mean by it gets better is (for those who are cisgender) when a person either male or female begins thinking of transitioning are usually very fearful of a) being discovered b) thinking they will never be accepted by friends, family and co-workers. Sure the ugly truth is there are backwards thinking people who will never accept a transgender person but the majority will. More times than not the rejection comes from the person transitioning by words, actions and attire which causes cisgender people to feel uncomfortable with them.

It’s easy for me to say “I have been there done that” and say nothing else but the truth is, I was frighten to step out my front door in fear of being made but learned from others before me that it does not have to be that way. Also, when I told my neighbors about transitioning two of them said, “what took you so long?” I responded with “What do you mean”, they said yeah we have seen you sneaking out dressed and thought that I should had just came out then.

I said I was fearful of doing this especially before obtaining a letter to allow me to have surgery. Wish I knew that then but I am now telling other transgender people the truth, you may believe you are sneaking out but there are always eyes watching.

Take it from someone who has been there, like with the manager I mentioned above and she was not the first this happened with me, at least 10 people in my past could not recognize me. Hormones and confidence in oneself goes a long way to blending in as the gender you were suppose to be.

Year one

27 Wednesday Jan 2016

Posted by in My journey, Thoughts

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YearOne

The demise of Kevin, my former self is but a distant memory looking back exactly one year after the birth of Karen.

Several months ago a co-worker ask me (because he had forgotten) when I had changed to Karen and before I could answer he said that Kevin is a distant memory to him even thou he had worked with me for twenty years.  Then two other team members chimed in (we all sit in an open office) and said he remembered and also agreed that my former self was a distant memory.

There are several woman at work that either knew me before while some only afterward that treat me like any cisgender female.

The above to me indicates over the past year I have done things proper, meaning being myself, not resurrecting my former self.

Another indicator is nobody in recent time (looking back six months plus) has asked me any questions about my transition.

If there is anything at all to take away from this entry is leaving the past behind is imperative to enjoying life after transition. When I hit a date such as today, my surgery date I do think back a tad but then move on.

The Danish Girl

17 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by in Life, Thoughts, Transsexualism

≈ 2 Comments

Hospital1

I had many struggles throughout my life living in a male body with a female living within and somehow managed to never get suicidal or deeply depressed as something inside of me knew that I could breakout of the my male shell. Many who are or will travel down the same path will not be so fortunate in this regard. They will be  suicidal, depressed and ostracized by both family, friends and co-workers. They may meet an untimely death at the hands of others or themselves. There are others like me who no doubt share a similar story and for them and myself we are semi-fortunate.

If the above was not enough some will find it impossible to afford surgery out of pocket (which I did) while others will be denied the cost of surgery from insurance companies although in recent times a handful of insurance companies are flipping the majority of the cost.

The next hurdle is coupled with cost. One should expect to pay when all is said and done roughly 40,000 to $50,000 dollars for therapist, doctors, plastic surgeons and other cost. Some will take the affordable route which is overseas surgery where a 10,000 dollar procedure. If this is the road taken you may be putting your life in the hands of those medical personal that more likely than not don’t speak English nor do those where you are staying.

To the point, I just watched at the movie theater “The Danish Girl” where a female is inside a physical male body in 1926. She learns of gender reassignment surgery which has not be tried out and volunteers to be the first. The movie overall was about getting to surgery which was not known.

The surgeon indicated two surgeries were needed, first remove the penis then after weeks of recovery create a vagina.

Directly after the first surgery she was in so much pain they had to physically restrain her and sedate her. She is in a hurry for the second surgery where her wife says to wait but she can’t.

Sadly she did not last long after the second surgery before passing.

I left the theater in what seemed like myself but on the drive home I nearly burst into tears feeling sorry for her (not the actor) and could not shake the emotions running though me all the time wishing I could had leaned on someone for comfort.

Two years ago this would never had phased me but now the hormones are in full bloom and with that comes varying degrees of emotional responses.

Any ways, Lilly passed and was a pioneer in many ways. So much pain and she was never fully female in the physical. When I had gender reassignment surgery it was seven hours, stayed under for three hours more. When I woke there was zero pain and no need for a second surgery. Let’s call it one hundred years between her and my surgery and one might say it’s expected that progress was made yet I hear of some people having the same surgery even twenty years ago with immense pain after surgery.

One final thing to say is people like me (and I have said this before) have no choice in the need to physically correct the physical body and Lilly saw several doctors were some did radiation treatments, wanted to drill holes in her head and/or place her into a mental hospital. I bet there are still people in society that believe modern medicine can cure transgender people, if someone is truly transgender that will not happen.

Thanks for reading.    

What’s real

24 Thursday Dec 2015

Posted by in Thoughts

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Shopping Well 2015 is coming to a close, have squeezed a lot into this year in regards to surgeries, lots of paperwork and a brand new car and very satisfied with the results. Four years ago this was entirely a dream, seemingly out of reach because I could not give up what I had in regards to teaching self-defense but then realized that I had crammed many years into teaching and as much as I enjoyed teaching I could finally kiss it goodbye to make myself happy overall.

My guess is that many wrestle with similar aspects when they are certain that transitioning is right for them and hope that those riding the line, struggling with making the decision to move forward do so and don’t procrastinate but instead stall progress if they feel as I did, unsure what the future might be. For many uncertainty is “will I still have a job”, “acceptance from family and friends”, “emotional battles from waiting” etc.

I know my surgery was right from many telling me I look content, smile (was told I rarely smiled) often, love female privilege, learning to leave male privilege behind as if I never had them.

I do struggle with silly things like being able to play guitar with decent length nails, changing pads often when wearing a thong (took a long time to master the back end of the pad), what clothes should I wear today (and rummage through through clothes on the floor often rather than the closet), did I wear that outfit already this week?

My taste in movies has change, last night I watched “the age of Adaline” which I would had never watched two years ago but now would even consider purchasing it. I watched it for a dollar so even if I didn’t like it no big deal.

I experience life completely different emotionally both good and bad. There are day that all I want to do is stay in bed and most times have no clue why while 99 percent of the time I am very happy.

Still more attracted to females than males and there has been several times in the past few months I was putty to both genders.

I am fully embracing life both good and bad and excited for what comes next. And finally I owe a great deal to my sister Teri.

Approval for GRS, why???

31 Friday Jul 2015

Posted by in Life, preparation, Thoughts

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I wrote the following for a blog post on another site and thought it would be worth sharing. Many argue the point if a real life test is needed and there are good points on both sides of the discussion. Some will say, suppose the person decides not too transition during the one year real life test? I respond by saying that you need to be 99.99 percent sure this is for you. There are some who could go without this test as many live the life already and in this case should be given a pass.

For years I wondered why do I need approval from two therapist for gender reassignment surgery and at times really aggravated me to no end but once I started it all became clear. You see, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body can taunt and consume a person to various states of mind that can lead to a dark place thus never seeing the reasoning behind the “why” behind the requirement for therapy coupled with living in the opposite gender for at least one year.

Here is the deal, feeling trapped in the wrong physical body there can be relief by wearing clothing of the opposite gender but that is usually hindered as many don’t have a safe haven to wear clothing for an extended period of time and eventually as one grows older the feelings of being in the wrong physical body become more intense and can destroy marriages and cause one to become secluded to the point they are alone and now in their free time can become the female they should be to a limited degree by dressing in the role of a female for longer periods.

The danger here is we think that by setting an appointment for reassignment surgery with an informed consent is all one should need. There lays the problem, it’s a completely different world living as a female 24/7 in each and every aspect of your life. It quickly becomes real when you are paying for something in a store and need to use your credit card that says John Smith when you are dressed female. You might get lucky as I did, sales lady looks at the name on my credit card and says, John Smith is your husband? I will need to see your identification. Me, no that is my name, sales lady, your parents have a strange way of naming their daughter. But not everyone will be fortunate for this to happen. Next up (which should had been firsts).

The female voice, a dead give away if not practiced. You are paying for groceries at the store, cashier engages you in conversation and although nobody would every guess that you were not female because you have taken the time to dress properly, age appropriate clothing and not to much makeup you say something and out slips the male voice, oooops, you get the idea.

In the real live experience you are under pressure either all the time or some of the time and for many will truly challenge their original thoughts of transitioning. Geez, can I really pull this off? What I mean is, once you have a vagina and breast it’s a completely new world and you have no choice but to either blend in as part of the scenery, become part of the scenery or become ostracized for being a freak and with that comes depression, self-doubt or more leading to dark places OR you rise to the task of merging your inner female self with a new physical self from the affects of hormones.

Trust me when I say, you have no idea, no clue what one year of living in the opposite gender is like until you have been doing it for say three months and then look back 12 months later and can’t hardly remember what it was like as a male and if you can more likely than not remember it differently how the full time female experience would be.

I challenge those taking this journey to write down their thoughts before starting HRT and therapy then say 10 months down the road read what you wrote and see how you think about the journey now. If comfortable, keep a daily journal of your ups and downs, like anybody living we have ups and downs and in the 12 month role they are magnified. When seeing a therapist there are gaps of time between visits and having these notes can help you engage with the therapist.

BOTTOM LINE: The real life experience as I see it now is that it’s good for you while looking back I thought “what the heck”.

Hopefully those traveling down the road for gender reassignment surgery will be fortunate to have a good support system in place to assist them with the 12 month real life test and it will go better this way. Personally I had (and still have) a wonderful female friend who not only supported me but traveled to California to be with me for GRS and then with breast augmentation was there for me too in my home taking care of me. You can not do this on your own, I repeat, you can not do this on your own so get use to the fact you will need a good support system which should be done before starting your journey, find out who are really friends and who are not and don’t be surprised that many may be repulsed at the thought of you wanting to be female.

Breast augmentation

08 Friday May 2015

Posted by in Breast augmentation, preparation, Thoughts

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I am scheduled for breast augmentation on May 20, 2015. Had my pre-operation appointment today where they went over the highlights from my initial consultation several weeks ago along with what they want me to do the week of surgery and the weeks following surgery. After the appointment I handed over my prescriptions to the pharmacy so they are ready for me well in advance.

Specifics, I was interested in a B cup but with their measuring system looks like I will have C cup. Guess I will need to get over not having a smaller size as I am leaving my fate to the surgeon as when I question him about the size he said that he has used this measuring system on thousands of people and only had two people saying they thought that the size was slightly too large.

In regards to eating prior to surgery, I told the surgeon that since surgery was at noon and that they did not want me to eat after midnight that beings I have a different schedule that most people could I have coffee first thing in the morning. He said if I asked the anesthesiologist would say no coffee but he said if it’s only black coffee he is fine and if they asked if I had anything to say no LOL.

Haunting thoughts

29 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by in Family, Life, My journey, Thoughts

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This is going to sound strange and perhaps obscured too many yet I have to question the validity of the real world and what is beyond or parallel to the known world.

Although I infrequently visited my sister while alive when we did there was this connection between us, same when we talked on the phone coast to coast. When I had not seen her because we lived on different coast I did not think about her but when I visited her and her husband in 2004 not seeing her for ten years it was fantastic yet I let things slip again until she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2013. I only called her twice after that and was told by my mother after she passed that she was upset with me for not calling her more. Of course I felt emotional and wished I had called her more.

Yesterday it really hit me that she was gone and I, Karen was born. I was essentially conceived in 2013 as this was when I affirmed my decision to become Karen and leave Kevin behind. Is it a coincident that Karen was conceived when my sister passed? Yesterday when my mind conjured this up I could not stop thinking of the things that transpired then. For me I have experienced and witness things in my past that make me pause and contemplate “what if” there is something else besides this physical life which comes from a person who without witnessing things in my past that defy laws that govern our physical known world could exists? I wrestled with this all day yesterday and has seeped into today and think it will haunt me as there is no way I can come to terms with a reasoning behind this special and unexplainable connection between my sister and me. Did my sister have to pass for Karen to emerge or is it something my mind conjured up to make sense of the loss of my sister. I think a therapist could rationalize these thoughts with a plausible response but I think that my mind will still go back to my current reasoning’s which as mentioned before defies all known logic. Guess I will have to accept that this cannot be answered and live life in her honor.

In the photo below taken in 2010, my sister in the back, my daughter and her daughter. All three were extremely close.

Suzy_Katrina_Natlie

Viewing this picture brought tears to me eyes.